


The Story of you

by Music118



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: AU, Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alternate Universe - Happy, Bad stuff happens, Cute, Domestic Fluff, F/M, Fluff and Angst, I'm Bad At Tagging, Idiots in Love, M/M, Malec, Protective Magnus Bane, Sad and Happy, They are inlove, highschool, just read it, kinda???, major character death sorta??, mentions of abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-13 07:15:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29149578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Music118/pseuds/Music118
Summary: life is one giant roller coaster, you never know which way it's going, sometimes you are hitting rock bottom, and other times you are sailing high in the clouds. no one understands this better than Magnus Bane as he reflects on the story of his life, more importantly, the story of Alec Lightwood. their story starts when they were 16 years old, two kids who had no idea what their life was about to become, the horrors that they were about to face from abusive parents to living on their own, to dying siblings and broken hearts, but through it all, they have each other.but is love enough to save you from the past? and what do you do when that love is suddenly gone?-----I'm horrible at summers but basically its a story of magnus writing about their life, trust me there is lots of adventure and drama and love, it follows them through different stages of life and how they deal with the seemingly endless problems the world throws at them. its better than it sounds i promise!!!
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Other Relationship Tags to Be Added
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9





	1. first words

**Author's Note:**

> thank you all so much for reading this!!

I remember when we were 16 years old.

I was stuck in my mind endlessly worrying about some science test that I was desperately trying to pass in order to somewhat salvage my GPA. I remember I ran to my locker, only half aware of where I was due to the copious amounts of caffeine running through my blood, it’s a miracle that I was standing at all, but there I was, 16 years old and filled with nothing but pure anxiety over the future. I quickly looked through the messy contents that threatened to spill out into the busy hallway, trying to find the pencil I had stashed earlier encase I, like an idiot, lost the one I was supposed to use for the test. To my absolute horror, even my back up locker pencil was gone.

I looked around the halls trying to find anyone I knew, anyone at all but I was already running late and the hallways were next to empty, well, other than you. you stood there with your perfect hair and blue shoes, the easy smile seeming to be perfectly plastered on your face. even back then you were an intimidating force to look at, made of safe arrogance and unwavering confidence that I didn’t understand. I had never seen you look any less than in control, walking around like some big shot who knew he was going to become something more than the rest of us someday, the problem was that everyone agreed. You must have felt my stair that day as before I could turn back to my existential panic about my failing grade and nowhere to be seen pencil, you turned to me, before that moment I didn’t realize you knew I existed but there you were, smiling at me as though it was a secret game that only the two of us knew the rules to. I looked behind me, trying to find the real person that smile was meant for because, there was no way it could be for me, but there was no one else. I turned back to my locker quickly, feeling the heat rush to my face as though I was stuck in an oven, I thought about climbing into the small bottom shelve in order to avoid having to look at your stupid blue eyes again but I knew in a moment of resolution what I had to do. I found your stair once again, taking a deep breath that was shaker than I wanted it to be. This was insane, I tried to think of some impossible story as to why I needed you to help me, something filled with drama and tragedy that would make you, a beautiful, popular senior, take pity on me who looked anywhere but directly at your face. the words all die in my throat when your turn to me

“can—can I borrow a pencil? I have this test and—” 

“course” you didn’t let me finish, something that would have annoyed me had I not been so focused on watching the way the slight shades of gold in your hair looked in the sun. I felt like we were breaking some unspoken rule about the savage hierarchy rules of high school, but you gave me what I needed as though you had done it a million times, and left before either of us could say anything more.  
I couldn’t do anything but stand there, watching you walk down the hallway trying to run my mind over what had just happened. That is until I remembered why I was in the situation in the first place and quickly started to sprint to class, apologizes already playing on the tip of my tung. 

It was as though after that strange meeting in the hallway, I started to notice you in places I didn’t think you existed. I realized you were in my Bio 12 class, that you and your lab partner had laughed at me while I threw up in the sink after having to dissect a pig heart, I watched as you drove past me on your way to school in the morning while I and my friends all walked because we either weren’t old enough or rich enough to have a car, most importantly, I saw you walk through the wooden doors on Sunday morning at the church I had grown up in wearing a button-up shirt and clean shoes.  
I don’t know how I never realized that you had been around me for years, but once I did it was like I couldn’t stop it. even from those early days where I barely knew your name it was the two of us, almost like a mirror for what we would one day become, who more importantly I would become. Even at sixteen, I wanted to know you, although I was far too scared to ever say anything to you about it. I don’t think it was until almost two months later that we spoke when we got paired up as bio partners. I'll never forget how nervous I was sitting down in the small space beside you, feeling like Bella swan in twilight when she sat beside Edward in the most dramatic scene possible. But unlike Edward, you thankfully did not try to smell me. I made a pact with myself that no matter how much I wanted to, I would not give you the satisfaction of looking over every five seconds, instead, I tried to write notes on the human body as my hands shook hard enough that I could barely make out a word

“your name is Magnus Bane right?” you said once the class was getting ready to leave, your voice deep but certain. I doodled on the sheet of notes I had given up on 

“Yeah, Magnus” 

“Alright,” I wanted to punch myself in the face for how red my face got at your words, but the way you said my name was unlike the way anyone had ever said it before, and to this day my love, unlike how anyone has ever said It again. 

“I'm Alec,” you said, giving me your most charming smile which I’m sure works on everyone

“I know” I almost threw myself off the stool as the words come out without my mind's permission, not what I wanted to say. of course, I knew your name, everyone knew your name. Alec lightwood, the perfect child who teachers loved to hate and students wanted to be friends with. I said the name over and over again in my mind, trying to get used to the way the words felt in my mouth while trying to find a way to sound less creepy  
“its—your lab book—” I pointed to the book on the table in Infront of us that did in fact have your name scribbled on the top of it in a nervous ramble, you nodded your head in understanding but the smile on your face made me doubt whether or not you believe it

“right, sure” you were quite literally saved by the bell ringing loudly above you, the class moving around to get out as soon as they possibly can. Except you didn’t, instead you sat there as though waiting for me to say something else, something that was profoundly going to change the course of our lives. In some way you did, even if we didn’t know it yet 

“see you around, Magnus” you said before getting up, leaving me wondering how on earth I was going to pass this class with your sitting beside me.


	2. first kiss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys!! here is just a little surprise update to thank you all for reading this, if you like this then i suggest checking out some of the other stuff I've written in the past as it is written similar!!! thank you so much and i hope you guys enjoy this story, lots of hard work and time has gone into it, and trust me it gets crazy so i hope you all like it!!

It was a full month after the day you learned my name that we actually made a move.

But in the limited time between those two days, I felt like I had learned a lifetime of things about you. for example, I watched the way you smiled when you were nervous or uncomfortable, you had a freckle on the inside of your left hand. I learned that of all the sports in the world you could choose to do, you decided to fight, that you were on an actual fight team, and apparently you were pretty good at it too. it took some time but slowly I wanted to ask you more, have you tell me every little detail of your life because it was what made you, well you. I had always been one to hide behind my own fears, never the one to step up or speak out, but for those thirty days where we built towards something more, I for the first time didn’t want the fears to drown me like they used to. 

The fateful day that set us down the road of either ruin or salvation, was a Wednesday. We were cleaning up from a lab that I had personally wanted nothing to do with but you had thought was interesting, you thought everything was interesting in those days

“Alright, class, unit test on Monday so please, I beg you, start studying now” our desperate teacher Mr. Waters said, not that the class was listening as the bell rang, suddenly the room turning into a stampede that would crush you in an instant if you got in its way. I could feel my heart beating hard in my chest at the thought of a test, the last one still keeping me up at night since my mark was not what I wanted it to be. I knew I had to pass the next one, to me in that moment, it was the most important test of my entire life. I felt myself spiraling, that is until you put a hand on my shoulder, the action immediately removing me from the panic of my mind

“This stuff is going right over my head, you think you could help me out?” god I wanted to laugh because I was just as, if not more lost than you, I’m not sure why you thought that I was in any way prepared or ready for that test, but then you were looking at me with those eyes and your hair was falling in front of your face the way it always did when we were younger, and I couldn’t say no, who cares that I would most likely lead us both to failure, I knew there was no way I could say no.

“sure—yeah” your eyes lit up as you pushed your books into a bag, not noticing how red my cheeks were getting or the panic rising because I needed just as much help as you seemed to. Instead of saying anything about what I’m sure you read on my face you just smiled

“perfect, tomorrow after school” it wasn’t a question because you gave me no time to respond, instead of walking away as though you knew I wouldn’t say no, as though I had already somehow said yes. 

I remember going home that night and reading the textbook back to front into the early hours of the morning, I refused to embarrass myself Infront of you, not when I stupidly told you that I knew the answers. It wasn’t until years later when our world had been flipped upside down did you tell me, sitting in the leather armchair we had adopted from a new friend that you knew the whole time I had no idea what I was saying.

To be honest, I don’t remember most of that day, my mind to busy trying to stay awake to deal with the mundane issues that were happening to my friends and fellow peers, but even so the day felt never-ending. My anxiety alive at the thought of hanging out with you outside of the classroom, I couldn’t believe it, a part of me thought it was all some prank that was going to end in a disaster, but even so, I couldn’t say no. 

I met you after school at my locker, I watched the hallway for minutes which seemed like hours, telling myself that I had been stood up, that is until you came walking towards me, your dark hair messy yet controlled as always, the people around you hanging off your every word. You smiled as you approached me, pushing away the people trying to gain your attention without a word. They left quickly, but I could feel their eyes on me as they walked away. 

“lets go” you didn’t stop to wait for me, as you started out the front door towards the road, making me start in an embarrassing run to catch up. 

“where are we going?” I asked, looking around at the tall trees surrounding us that always had the power to make me feel impossibly small. You didn’t say anything, only kept walking with a knowing look in your eyes, even then you were mysterious, something I grew to love as we got older and the spark in your eyes disappeared. Only when the old playground come into view did we stop

“This is the place I go when I need to get away,” you said before walking over to dump your stuff onto of one of the many platforms kids used to play on. I was shocked to say the least. The great Alec lightwood who seemed untouchable hung out on abandoned playgrounds when he needed to escape. I didn’t let my mind go to much, the realization that you had brought me here of all places was felt almost like an admission.   
I followed you up the shaking ladder to sit on a small platform covered in moss, something that is defiantly on the verge of rotting but it didn’t matter. In that moment I didn’t care about the stability of the structure or the fact that there were a thousand things we could catch from sitting on it, I didn’t even notice the clouds slowly filling the sky because it was just us, you and me for the very first time and you were looking at me with these big blue eyes that seemed to want to know the answers to any question the universe could ask. I wanted to look away from you but I couldn’t, the moment intense in the way things had never been before. I watched the way the side of your mouth twitched, as though you were about to say something important 

“so, what’s the chemical formula for photosynthesizes?” I let out a laugh while opening my textbook. Soon I forgot about the knot forming in my stomach, the way my throat got tight when you sat back against the makeshift walls, your leg resting against mine, I forgot about all of It and got lost in trying my hardest to make it sound like I had even a clue what I was doing. I told you about how and why water can do what it does, why humans breath or blink their eyes, I told you everything I had research the night before, answering any question that you had sitting on the tip of your tong.   
That is until the rain started to fall around us, only slight at first but quickly becoming something biblical. Before I could panic about my ruined notes, and run home as I assumed we would do, instead you ran over to the old swing set that looked as though it had no right to ever hold your weight, and start swinging back and forth like a child who is seeing the outside world for the first time. I watched as your t-shirt clung to your chest, defining every dent or imperfection and I wanted to take a picture, even then I knew I wanted to remember the moment forever. 

“come on” you yelled over the sound of the rain, and it was one of those moments that has the power to change your life, it would have been easy to walk away, but for the first time in my life I wanted to stay. Against my better judgment, I dropped my books back on the ground to be destroyed by rain and ran to join you, I’m sure in the moment our joy was bright enough for the whole world to see it, the two of us, almost adults pretending as though we were only children who didn’t have to care about anything. You couldn’t stop laughing as you threw yourself off the swing like the older boys used to do in grade school before motioning for me to follow. I didn’t tell you I was terrified of heights, or that the worst possible outcome I could imagine was jumping off this godforsaken object, I didn’t tell you because I knew it didn’t matter, I would have done anything you asked me to do in those early days, the want to impress you strong enough for me to pretend I wasn’t afraid of anything. So I did what I never thought I would do, I felt the rain hit my face as I jumped and before I could even understand what was happening, I was on the ground with my hands on my waist as though making sure I didn’t fall over. I felt the heat of your hands through the thin shirt that was now soaked but I wasn’t cold anymore, the rain that would leave me chilled for weeks seemed to dissipate because there you were standing so, so close. close enough that I could feel the heat radiating from you like my own personal heater and for a moment neither of us said anything, to caught up in our blissful unawareness of the world around us. 

before I could really understand the moment, you were gone, walking back to where our broken books lay, but I knew you were smiling. I stood there for a second longer, trying to understand what had just happened between us because people like you didn’t fall for people like me. You turn back to me, waiting for me to do anything other than standing there like an idiot. I didn’t waste another second before running to follow, our books are long forgotten as you lead me under the platform we had once sat above. This time when you opened your mouth, I knew it would have nothing to do with science

“what do you think of the rain?” I looked at you as though I was searching for the right answer to the unanswerable question, how does one form an opinion on the rain?

“what do you think of the rain?” I asked your question back, knowing your answer was going to be better than whatever half-assed one I could come up with on the fly. You looked at the ground before meeting my eyes

“I think there are different kinds of rain that tell the story of the world,” I didn’t say anything out of fear that I would miss the words still to come. “you know the moment when the sky is bright and the rain is falling softly outside and the world gets that fresh smell, that is when the sky is bringing us new beginnings, its letting us start again” the thunder around us made me jump, I know you wanted to ask if I was okay but instead I nodded, I’d be damned if I let you know this early that I was afraid of thunder

“what about this kind of rain?” I asked instead, you smiled shyly.

“When the rain is pounding like this, I think it means that there has been a great tragedy occur, that even if we can’t understand it, the world dose. It's morning something “ at first I thought you were crazy, for how could someone really think there was that much meaning to something like the rain? But the more I thought about it, the more I thought about how much easier it was to be sad when the skies were grey and the rain was harshly falling against the windows, or how clean and new the earth smelt in the morning when the storm had passed. Slowly I looked at you with something like wonder; not knowing how someone like you could possibly exist in the same world as the one I had grown up in. I think a part of you thought I was going to say something negative from the way you looked away after a few seconds.

“you're right, how could anyone think that the rain is only just rain?” your smile was bright enough to conquer the thunder outside. It took five seconds for you to decided whether or not you wanted to let me it, and I think under that horrible play structure you did.   
you started to tell me about your love for philosophy and your thoughts on the impossible questions it presented, I had never thought about things the way you did, you spoke with such a passion that I couldn’t help but live in the words you said even if I myself didn’t understand them. I never realized how smart you were till that day, but you are by far the smartest person I have ever talked to, far smarter than me but you asked me questions as though you really did want to know what I thought about it, never once did you look at me as though you were disappointed with my answer. I found out that you were reading the Iliad, and listened as your argued about the point of war, how it was truly a story of pure human tragedy instead, I found out that you fought and trained so hard in hopes of being able to get a scholarship, that it was your only way out of the small town we lived in, most of all I learned that you had a little brother named Max who wouldn’t live to see his sixteenth birthday. I couldn’t help but give you my story after you so poetically told me yours, most of the things I said that night were things that I had never before said out loud, let alone to someone I barely knew but there was different rules that night under the cover of thunder, for some reason I felt safe under the rotting wood while the world cried about something we would never understand.  
By the time the sun had set I stopped waiting for you to counter my every word with a sharp remark, or to counter my thoughts with something you thought was better and stopped thinking that maybe I had said too much because you looked at me with the same look in your eyes that I had never seen in anyone else. I wanted to tell you everything suddenly because I had never met anyone like you before, and my darling, I never met anyone like you again. 

We sat there in the rain all through the night, caught up in the words that created our own secret world. that is until I finally thought of my parents who were quite possibly going to disown me for not coming home, and that we had to be up for school in a few short hours, but I couldn’t find it in me to really be upset about anything 

“ill walk you home,” you said in a gentle voice, I knew something was forever changed between us, the shy quiet of early have been replaced by an ability to speak as freely as we wanted

“you really don’t have to, I can find my house,” I said, not wanting to move from under our hiding spot 

“you can't change my mind” the thing was, I didn’t want to. 

We started out on the journey to my dark home, the rain making it hard to see. It took five seconds into the walk for you to watch me pull in on myself, trying to create some kind of heat, and just like that as though we were some kids in a movie about love you draped your relatively dry coat around me and I thought that there was no way this could possibly be happening to me, things like this never happened to people like me but there we were. I didn’t want the night to end because a part of me was terrified that the morning light would break the spell and things would have to go back to normal and everything that just happened would cease to   
Exist, only existing as a painful thought of what could have been, but as you can see because I am writing this, it didn’t work out like that.  
I stopped in my front yard and leaned against the lamp post, I don’t exactly remember what it is that I talked about, most likely something that had no meaning as it was just a nervous ramble because I didn’t want you to leave. I do remember the moment when you stepped closer to me, taking your time as though you wanted me to have a chance to move away, I didn’t. 

I looked at you, but your eyes were already on me, I watched you look at my lips as you moved a fraction on an inch closer, the air around us was on fire with what was about to happen. Looking back on it that moment in Infront of my house was inevitable, it was always going to happen but, in that moment, I thought I was about to wake up. the air around us grew hot, something that was hard to breathe, I felt it down my spine and fill my lungs, but I wanted to live in the moment, the feeling on knowing what was about to happen between us and knowing there was nothing that was going to stop it. you were so close, closer than anyone had ever been outside of my family and it felt like I was about to jump off a cliff, the feeling of doing something irreversible sitting heavy on my chest yet I couldn’t move. You were so warm, and the air around us was so cold. Before I could talk myself out of it or truly think about the consequences of what was about to transpire, you closed the small gap between us. it was barely an idea of a kiss, lips barely touching but it was enough to set my soul on fire. As though you finally realized what you had done you moved away quickly, I’m sure there was panic growing in your eyes but for the life of me, I couldn’t open my eyes, not yet when the feeling of your so close was still so real. 

“I’m sorry” you breathed in a voice that was more unsure than I had ever heard you speak before. “I should have asked—” 

I didn’t respond, instead, in a moment of pure stupidity my hand found the way to the back of your neck and I was pulling you closer. This time when our lips meet it was real, both of your hands finding their way to the side of my face, my hand grabbing onto the hair near the base of your neck. I remember thinking that yes, this is what it is supposed to feel like. I had never kissed anyone before, not like this with the rain falling gently around us, the dark skies hiding us from the rest of the world. I felt your thumb rub small circles on the side of my face and even in that first moment, it was a feeling I never wanted to lose, every nerve in my body was on fire and I couldn’t think of anything other then your body so close to mine, lips together in the same way I had been thinking about for weeks. the need for air became to much to ignore so I pulled away but you didn’t let me get very far before pulling me back, it was as though time had stood still for those few moments like we were both nowhere and everywhere at once. 

The moment, however, couldn’t last forever as we both jumped when the lights inside my house turned on, creating earth-shattering fear that coursed through my every limb and just like that you were gone, as though I had only imagined the moment we had just shared when in reality nothing had changed. I watched you look at the house for a moment before moving closer, you took my hand gently 

“I’ve wanted to do that since the day you asked me for a pencil” I didn’t have time to reply as before I could you were walking away, but I could still feel your hands on me like a ghost as I watched you leave in shock. 

All these years later, and I still remember every detail about that day, every feeling and word that was spoken, it’s something I don’t think I will ever forget.  
I remember walking into the house only for my parents to be sitting at the kitchen table with anger written on their every feature. I knew there would be hell to pay, but when I thought of the feeling of your lips on mine, I couldn’t find it in me to care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this sweet little chapter, the point of this story mainly focuses on the outcomes of their actions and the things they have to endure before finally getting to be happy, so they get together pretty quick cause its needed for the actual story, but if you guys liked this then please comment or leave kudos!!! i promise it gets crazy very soon!!


	3. first time watching him fight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey!!! thank you guys so much for reading this!!! just wanted to put a like trigger warning, religion and god are a focus at the beginning of the chapter, so if that is something that you struggle with then I recommend skipping the bigging and going right to the middle!! other than that, i hope you guys like this chapter, the next one gets crazy so here ya go!!

I fell in love with you the same way the rain fell that night, slowly, and then all at once.

After that one night when the falling rain ruined our notes and books when you kissed me under the secrecy of night, we started playing a game that only the two of us knew the rules to.  
Every day I would walk down the busy hallways only to see you standing at your locker surrounded by people who wanted your attention and all I could think about was the way your lips feel when they are pressed against mine, the way your hands feel when they are running down my back. You would always look at me with a secret smile, your eyes reflecting the same thing as mine yet to everyone around us, it was barely a friendly glance. We would sit at our shared desk in Biology and you would lean your leg against mine, trying to make me smile as though it would make you win, it was a dangerous game, one that we both knew would end in destruction but we were too young to care, both of us feeling invincible because we had each other. As an adult, I can say that it was the most stereotypical I ever was because how on earth did we think we were ready to deal with the things about to happen to us? how did we ever think we would be spared the horror of the real world? 

My childhood friend Malcolm used to bug me in gym class about the brown-haired girl who the entire school knew was crushing on me, I would go back to my war zone of a house and be pelted with questions about the blond hair girl from church, her name was Sally and I remember she always wore red shoes. When we were fifteen she put her number in my pocket. I would nod along and joke about the possibility of interest, giving fake answers and hollow hellos, they never realized that I snuck out of the house each night only to walk down the block to where your car was parked. Thinking back on it, maybe they did know, but maybe their intense denial made them want to forget.  
On Sundays we would both be pushed into a church to sing about a god only one of us believed in. we sat there with our families wearing our best clothes and listened to the man up front preach about the meaning of sin; instead of thinking about god all I could do was think about the way you laughed when I kissed the right spot on your neck, or the way your hair, no matter how hard I tried would never lay flat at the base of your neck, the people around me had no idea that the definition of religion had been tied up in the meaning of you. 

One memory that sticks out from the first few months of this game was one night we were sitting at that old playground that had started everything, you had a six-pack of beer sitting on the floor between us, and you were quiet. You were never quiet. 

“what's on your mind?” I asked, my mind automatically running over the worst possible outcomes I could come up with before you had a chance to surprise me. You took a deep breath

“it's about God” I was a little taken aback by the statement because it was something we didn’t talk about, our family's view of the topic has no place in the haven that we had created ourselves. 

“okay?” 

“you go to church every week and pray, your sing their songs and mutter their words back to them and I don’t understand, how could you ever believe in something that didn’t believe in you?” your face looked as though you were trying to understand the answer to an impossible question, something sharp laying in the soft edges of your voice. I took a moment to think about it, the question one that I had struggled with since grade school. My family would have looked at us as a Sin, something unholy that was against the universe, but nothing in my entire life had ever felt as real as when you wrapped your hands around my neck and kissed me as though there was never a question as to why. 

“because I need something bigger than me to believe In,” I told you the truth, at the young age of sixteen religion was still something that I was confused about, not yet old enough to understand that it was allowed to be whatever I wanted it to be. I couldn't imagine going through my life believing that I was completely alone in the world, maybe it was teenage angst, but I needed something to believe in. you grabbed my hand gently as though telling me it was okay, and I wanted to tell you everything I had always been too afraid to say out loud, things I was too afraid to even tell myself. “what do you believe in?” 

It was a bold question, something I asked only because I was caught up in a moment of bravery. It was the only thing I had been too afraid to ask, knowing it would do nothing but bring up the pain that every day you were trying to forget. I watched as you looked down at the ground, an action so fast that had I not been looking for it I would have missed. Suddenly I had this urge to take the question back, tell you that you didn't have to answer because I couldn't stand to see you struggle for words, you eyes darker than they had been before. 

“I don’t think I believe in God, how could I believe in something that lets people die for being who they are, who lets violent wars be fought in their name,” you played with the bracelet on your wrist “who lets children die from disease before they are given the chance to live” my heart broke at your words, both of us thinking of your brother who I knew was having a bad week, I gripped your hand tighter. At that moment all I wanted to do was pull you tightly into my arms, somehow protect you from all the things you were trying to deal with because you never deserved it, my love, not then, and not now. your eyes meet mine carefully “ but I do believe in life, I believe in the love a mother has for her child or the old man who always helps bag groceries down at the market, I believe in good people, I believe In us” there were no words that I could find to say the words that were filling my throat. So instead I moved closer, leaning my head against yours, living in the space between us because in that moment despite my fears of the future, I believed in us too. I wanted to ask you more, I wanted to hear about your brother and if you were okay, but I knew you had already given too much of yourself away, we were still to new to understand that there were no boundaries between you and me. 

“I believe in us too,” I said back instead, the words feeling right as they left my lips, and soon your hand was on the back of my neck, lips crashing into mine like a boat against the harrowing sea. I wanted to tell you that I believed in you, but there were no words big enough to fit all the ways you made me feel human so instead, I put my hand against your face and kissed you as I would never kiss anyone else again. At that moment we were teenagers drunk on the idea that love could save us, and I guess in a lot of ways it would. 

Eventually, you pulled away and returned to your drink as though the moment had never happened. I took a sip of my own even though I hated the way it tasted. neither of us was old enough to be drinking, you were double in trouble because you had a fight coming up that I knew you were training day and night for. 

“I'm gonna win” you said when I asked if you were ready or not. your words were confident and real, something which made me laugh through the overwhelming fear I felt for you.

“let's just get you through it,” I said, not able to think past the first punch, I never told you how nervous I was, that every time you stepped in the ring it made my head spin with fear and anxiety, every punch made me want to run into the ring to somehow save you. instead, I smiled  
“I can't wait to watch you do what you love” I knew how much the sport meant to you, I saw it in your eyes when you talked about the way the canvas feels under your feet or the way you knew even then that you were better than the rest of the. It should have sounded arrogant, but when it came from your soft lips it sounds exactly as the truth. 

“you're gonna be there yeah?” you asked the words as though they were a question when you had bought me the ticket yourself weeks ago to make sure I would be. It was the first time that I was going to see it in person. 

“I wouldn't miss it for anything”

When the day of the fight actually came, I had woken up early with a text telling me that you had made weight and it felt like a breath of air had been realized that I hadn't known I was holding. I had watched you struggle in the gym for days, sitting there watching you cut the weight while trying to get my math homework done, I knew it was going to be close, but in a different way, you making weight meant that it was real, that there was no other reason why you wouldn't fight. I took some deep breaths. Of course, I had watched you fight before, had watched you hit and get hit in return, but this was different, this was real. I knew that people died in that sport, and although unlikely the thought made me want to run away. it's crazy now to think that there was ever a time I was uncomfortable about the idea of being at a fight, having spent most of my adult years involved with gyms it seems unreal that there was ever a time I was afraid of them, but that morning in November, I was more than afraid of what the night would hold. 

I wanted to slow the movement of time as though I could somehow delay the inevitable, but before I could blink I was sitting amongst a group of people at a fancy venue with music blaring so loudly that I could feel it in my chest. I looked around for anyone I might know, not surprised to see the group sitting in front of me was your groupies from school. I put my head down in order to avoid being seen by them. I looked anywhere other than the giant ring that seemed to tower over everything and anything else. breath, I told myself, looking over the hundreds of people who had no idea about the moment they were truly witnessing. I looked to the room I knew you were in, warming up or getting ready in whatever way you did, but you were already looking at me through the window, a smile on your face, the sight of you, still looking like you, calmed me down enough to smile back. It took everything to not run to you, to let you hold onto me on last time before this happened. I could barely hear the music over the sound of my heart pounding in my ears, you gave me a thumbs up before walking away, I turned my attention to the ring where the first fighters were taking their place. I tried, I swear I tried to pay attention to them, but then you and your coach walked into the main room to hit some light rounds and all I could fucose on was the way your hair would move when you fight the pad, how serious your face looked as though you were thinking about both everything and nothing. I turn back to the current fight with pain, not wanting to think about the fact that all too soon it was going to be you standing in that ring, you got punched, I looked down at the ground. 

By the time you were being called I wanted to throw up, I watched as your opponent walked to the ring, his face made of stone, calm and focused, he looked like a fighter, something I never thought of when I saw you, you and your messy hair and large sweaters, but this man who you had to fight looked the part. I thought you were doomed, that is until I saw you yourself finally walking to your spot, it was as though he had entered a different universe when your friends sitting in front of me jumped up from their seats with your name on their lips. The boy who loved to real ancient lit, who held me tightly in his arms when I came broken and bruised from my father's harsh lessons looked like a stranger to me, your normally soft eyes now hard as steel, your hair tightly pulled back. At that moment I understood was I previously had not; the man in front of you was going to lose. You walked with a straight back, your head held high as though you were Achilles himself about to march into battle with the knowledge that he was untouchable. I couldn't look away, for a moment completely forgetting about the violence and only focusing on the beauty of it all. That is until you got to the ring, standing across from the man who had trained to hurt you. I watched your friends sitting right up front, the girl who was always at your side standing up with a cheer. When the bell rang it felt like a car crash was happening right in front of me and I knew there would be no survivors but I couldn't look away, no matter how much I wanted to. 

The world started moving in slow motion while you both circled each other, both waiting to see what the best course of action would be. You threw the first punch, I felt nothing but my heart catching in my throat, it must have landed perfectly as around me the crowd cheered, your friends standing on their seats, I couldn't take my eyes off of you. every punch you threw and landed made me breathe a little easier, watching the way you moved and blocked, motions as fluid as water, you made it look so incredibly easy that it was almost hard to be afraid for you. that is until your opponent threw a head hook that pushed you back, I had to put a hand over my mouth in order to keep my compositor, my heart immediately going to the worst-case scenario, but you didn't fall down, instead you grabbed him harshly and kneed until the ref broke you apart and I almost forgot about the pain of seeing you hurt. When the round ended I sat back in my seat, taking a deep breath in order to calm my racing heart, I couldn't help but overhear the same girl in the front row talking about how attractive you looked under the lights and how she swore you looked at her before the fight. I wanted to laugh, to tell her how wrong she was but instead our secret stayed ours, something no one else needed to know. 

The second bell rang and this time I found myself really watching you without covering my eyes or looking away, I watched a smile grew on your face after you threw a shot that made your opponent falter, its intoxicating to watch, the round not even halfway over yet the entire room knew you had won. At that moment you were a picture of controlled danger, something I had never seen but couldn’t get enough of. It was almost no surprise when halfway through the second round you threw a head kicked and followed it up with a perfect right hand, we all stood up and cheered as your opponent fell to the ground. the place was alive with victory, their victor doing what they all knew he could do. You turned to me as the ref called the fight, a smile splitting across your face. 

'you did It', I mouthed to you, knowing you would understand, you put a hand to your mouth as though you were blowing a kiss and I wanted to laugh at your antics and at the girl in the front row who assumed it was directed at her. soon the ref has you both in the middle of the ring and is raising your hand in the air, your pointed your hand at me and the girl almost fainted but I didn't care, I couldn't care because that man standing in the ring was mine. At that moment I felt such pride rush my chest, I wanted to turn to everyone to tell them that ‘yes, that man standing there in the middle of the ring is my boyfriend, look at what he did!’ I was truly a teenager at that moment, jumping up in the air because of what you had done, the anxiety falling from my shoulders because you were okay. 

Soon you had the trophy is in your hands and you were walking out of the ring. I wanted to run to you, to run my hands up your back to convince myself that you were okay but I couldn't, not yet. Instead, I watched your friends all group together, telling the girl that now was her chance. I don’t remember her name, all I member was her red hair as she walked up to your door with so much confidence, I'm not sure she had ever been turned down before. only when she knocked on the door, no one answered, instead she walked away, a look of scorn making her soft features ugly, I wanted to laugh at her. once the crowd started to scatter, fighters going home with their teams, your friends leaving to go out to a party, only then did I slowly walk towards your door. I knew that I should do it, that it was dangerous and that I should just wait outside the way we had planned it, but I couldn't stand the idea of waiting another second. 

I felt my heartbeat against my chest faster as I knocked, almost enjoying the risk. I watched as your head looked through the small window before drawing the blinds and opening the door and ushering me in. I stood there, taken aback by the smell of sweat and oil, trying to come up with the right thing to say for what could I possibly say to give justice to what I had just witnessed, but before I can you are crashing into me, wrapping your arms around my neck as though you hadn't seen me in a month, all I could do was hold on, taking in every breath, every movement because you were okay, you were in one piece and had done it. I ran my hand along your back, making sure you were there. you were truly disgusting at that moment, covered in a mixture of sweat and vaseline mixed with something strong and oily, but you still smelled like you. it was almost impossible to remember that less than an hour ago you had looked like an untouchable warrior 

“I did it” you said like a child bragging to their parents. I pulled you impossibly closer

“I'm so proud of you” I whispered, too many emotions running through me to make my voice go any louder. You pulled back and I could feel the joy radiating from you, the spark in your bright eyes alive. I put a hand to the side of your face, taking in the sight of you. I run my eyes over your chest, down your side until I reach the spot where the skin is changing to shades of yellow. Every so lightly I traced a finger over it, unable to take my eyes off of that one horrible spot

“I'm alright,” you said, knowing the thoughts running through my head. I nod while reaching for your neck, pulling you into me for a desperate kiss. I knew the danger of what we were doing, that anyone could walk In at any moment and the game we had been winning would be over, but the danger only made me hold you tighter because At that moment I would have fought God themselves to keep what we had. I pulled away slightly

“that girl who sat Infront of me thought you were in love with her” I mumbled, remembering the way she had squealed when you looked in her direction. My voice was light because you were with me, had chosen me. You laughed a real laugh and I thought that I might explode with everything I was feeling 

“shame, if only she knew who it is that I love” you said the words so softly but meant every word and it was like the world had stopped for anyone outside of each other, the violence and pressure constantly trying to drown us, my father's loud voice and your mother's cold eyes, none of that could exist in the space between us because you said that you loved me. I played with the hair stuck to the side of your face, letting the moment sink in, wanting to relish in every single second of it because never before had I loved anything the way I had loved you while standing there in that stinky dressing room 

“What a lucky guy that must be,” I said, moving closer until we were a mere breath away, I felt your nose pressed into my cheek, moving closer by the second. I couldn’t get the right words to form in my mouth, can't find the right ones to say the things I want them, instead, I closed my eyes and lean into the feeling of having you so close, feeling your every breath hit my skin

“that’s where you wrong, its me who is the lucky one” you whispered before finally closing the distance between us, letting us stay in the world of bliss for a little longer. 

That’s what I think of when I think of those days in the beginning when we thought we knew who we were, how were we to know that our secret game had a time limit? How were we to know, that the time limit was about to run out?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aw that was cute, as you can see fighting is a recurring theme in my writing, but I hope you guys love this chapter, i can't wait for you to read the next one. if you liked this then please comment and leave kudos!! thank you, guys!!

**Author's Note:**

> this is just a little trial piece to see if you guys like it, if so future updates will be longer. i plan to upload twice a week but that may change due to my schooling and such. but i hope you guys are as excited for this adventure as i am, and if you enjoyed this please leave a comment of kudos!!!


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